Child of Doubt
by kotoko minazuki
Summary: Natsuki has to deal with a crisis of confidence during the events of "New Year, New Life"
1. Natsuki's Worst Day

**Author's Note:**  
After a couple other pieces following **New Year, New Life** my muse decided to take a sabbatical, or perhaps ran screaming into the night. At least she decided to have her fun playing games with me. The only times she gave me ideas where when I was too busy to write them down. Then, when I could finally make time, she would prance away, laughing, taking my inspiration with her.

I was finally able to coax this story out of her. I hope it works and that you enjoy it. Both she and I would appreciate hearing your reactions and your thoughts.

I'd like to extend a special thank you to **MahouLVH** for encouragement, reading and suggestions and to **Avadan232** for betaing this.

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This story is set in the same world as **Rebirth** and **New Year, New Life**, and fits between chapters 7 and 8 of the latter (namely, ``Entrance Exams'' and ``A Picture of Home'').

.

**Child of Doubt: Chapter 1**

**Natsuki's Worst Day**

* * *

Today was definitely not her day, Natsuki thought to herself as she ate a meager, isolated lunch. It had started when she woke up. She had tossed and turned enough in her sleep to throw her covers and even her pillows to the floor of her dorm room. If this was due to any dream she might have had, she remembered none of it on waking, cold and alone.

Things did not improve at school when the teacher scolded her for not paying attention. Maybe she hadn't been as attentive as some, but at least she was here in class. And what did the Longshan culture of ancient China have to do with anything she'd ever need? College entrance exams were done and she'd been accepted to Fuuka University. Who would ever care about it? Well, there was at least one person to whom it mattered: their teacher. And that made it the class's concern as well. Maybe that was why he was overly sensitive to inattention.

``Miss Kuga, would you care to share what you find so amusing with the rest of the class?'' the teacher asked, implying that she should be interested in his lecture, not amused by other things.

``Sorry.'' Natsuki had accompanied this with a small bow apology while inwardly seething at her teacher.

What brought this on? Natsuki hadn't made any noise except for a surprised ``Oi!'' when hit by a note that a pair of her giggling classmates were passing back and forth while they made jokes about the ``Happy Happy Clover'' manga and it's author. The problem was that they were able to put on studious, quiet, attentive expressions by the time the teacher had turned around, while the surprised Natsuki had not. So she got blamed for the noise they were making. She may not have been paying close attention, but at least her inattention hadn't been bothering anyone else, unlike the giggling classmates who framed her. Natsuki's troubles hadn't ended with her scolding for not paying attention.

Things only got worse at lunch when Mai came up to apologize. Mikoto had eaten all three of the bentos she had made for their lunches. Mai had set them down and been distracted, and Mikoto, following her usual, ``see food, eat food,'' diet, had quickly finished them all off. She must have been even hungrier than usual. So Natsuki was forced to fall back on buying a sandwich at the cafeteria. She took this and a box of juice to a secluded patch of grass under the trees where she could be alone, away from the press of annoying people.

She sat down and opened her sandwich to find it mislabeled. Though the wrapper claimed a roast beef and mayonnaise sandwich, not a trace of her favorite condiment was to be found inside. There was no point in going back to the cafeteria now. She'd taken a bite already, and once she made it back through the annoying press of people, there would likely be almost nothing left for her to pick from, and those remnants would be no better than the sandwich in her hand.

Natsuki sighed and took another bite of her dry, flavorless meal and continued to brood. If only the weather would cooperate with her mood. It should be gray and dreary, as opposed to the sun cheerily shining down on her. At least the weather got the cold, uncaring part correct today. She took a sip of her juice, carefully rationing it so as not to have to choke down the last bites of her sandwich with nothing to wash it down.

As she ate, Natsuki's mind wandered over the unsatisfactory day so far. Her inattention hadn't been bothering anyone, and scolding she got for her classmates misdeeds was a miscarriage of justice. That phrase brought her mind back to the period drama she had watched on TV last night with Shizuru. It was one more interesting to Shizuru than her but still fun to watch together. The big event this episode had been one of the characters having a miscarriage. ``How common are miscarriages nowadays?'' Natsuki wondered. ``After all, with the advances of modern medicine...''

``Well,'' answered Shizuru, ``Mother had one when I was little.'' She went on to explain this happened when she was but a toddler, so she didn't remember much about it from that time, and it was not something the family talked much of, either.

Natsuki continued brooding as she took another flavorless bite, and a couple thoughts fell into place in her head. This was why Shizuru's mother was so kind to her, and why she treated her as a daughter: Natsuki was merely a surrogate for the baby Shizumi had lost. That explained things. Natsuki could never fathom why Shizumi had taken to her and treated her so nicely; she'd never done anything to deserve such treatment. Now she saw that it wasn't due to anything she was or did: she was merely a convenient vessel for Shizumi to pour her old and bottled feelings into. This strangely made her feel both better and worse: better in that she had figured out why she was treated this way, yet oddly worse as this gave proof to the belief she wasn't worth loving on her own merits.

.

That afternoon between classes, one of the boys came up to her in the hall. ``Hey Miss Kuga, let's go share a snack at `Pan de Mie' after school,'' he suggested. The glare Natsuki gave him in answer should, by rights, have left him a solid pillar of ice. It didn't, but it came closer than Natsuki usually had of late. His eyes grew wide. ``Um... never mind. Sorry to bother you,'' he stammered and scampered off.

Natsuki stalked off, back to the classroom, her mood not at all improved. Here was someone else who saw her as something she wasn't. She wasn't some pretty girl to take on a date, nor was she a substitute for Shizumi's lost baby.

After school, Natsuki headed back to her dorm. She walked quickly, not from any urgency to get there, rather she wanted to get away from school and all the untrustworthy people there who wanted to make her something she was not.

Normally she would have taken her motorcycle out for a long ride to work off her frustration and to try to escape the thoughts banging around in her head. But she could not today. Her bike was in the shop getting a new clutch. Even working on that might have been a good distraction, but she really had no place to do the work. She also wanted it fixed more quickly than her spare time would allow, so she was forced to leave that job to the shop. Then again, if she was honest with herself, she'd never done this complex of a repair on her bike before. During the carnival she'd been too focused on avenging her mother to make time for it, and afterwards... Afterwards, she'd ended up spending the time she might have on the bike with Shizuru instead, so she'd never done more than simple, routine maintenance. And replacing a clutch was anything but that. Still, it rubbed her the wrong way to have to entrust her bike to someone else, no matter how qualified they might actually be. If she thought about it, she found it even more bothersome today than she did yesterday when she dropped off the bike.

As she walked, she gave the motorcycle shop a quick call to see if they were done. Had she been lucky, they just might have finished up and had her bike ready. Of course they hadn't. That fit in with the way the rest of the day was going.

.

Natsuki got back to her dorm room, dropped her bag and collapsed face-first onto her bed. She hoped no-one would come knocking on her door. Mai would want to pry and ``help,'' and she wasn't ready for that. Plus, Mai probably still felt guilty about lunch, and Natsuki wasn't ready for that display of contrition.

She got up after a bit. It was too early to go to bed, and anyway, lying there moping wasn't doing any good. Maybe some gaming would help. She dug through a small pile in her closet and came up with her PSP. She kept digging until she found some games and the charger; she wasn't sure how much charge was left in the battery. She'd never bothered setting up a full game console and TV after moving into her own dorm room. This hand-held had been good enough for the little time she actually spent here. She picked Tekken 5 out of her small collection. It would give her plenty of opportunity to take out her aggressions beating up opponents, and it also would require enough concentration to keep her mind from wandering. She sat on the floor, leaning against her bed, and fired up the game. Losing herself in this game helped keep her mind from brooding, and the fighting was therapeutic.

A several levels later, Natsuki's phone rang. Out of habit, she paused the game and answered. ``Hello?''

``Natsuki? How are you doing?''

``Hi, Shizuru.'' Natsuki tried to be cheerful, but Shizuru could tell it still wasn't her normal self. She made a guess at the cause.

``I suppose your motorcycle is still in the shop.''

``Yeah.''

``That's too bad. You said it might possibly be done today, so I decided to hope it was.'' Shizuru's voice conveyed her disappointment. ``Does this mean you won't be coming over tonight?''

``Yeah, I won't.'' Natsuki paused, realizing she should say more. ``I'm sorry. They're not done, and the rest of the day sucked too. I'm not fit company for anyone right now.''

``I'm sorry.'' Even in her current state, Natsuki could feel Shizuru's compassion over the phone. ``Would talking about it help? If it would, my time and my ear are yours.'' Shizuru remembered how Natsuki's understanding listening had helped her, and wanted to do the same if she could.

``No. Sorry.'' Natsuki could imagine the disappointment on Shizuru's face. ``Maybe later.''

``It's all right. You know I'm always here for you.'' Shizuru hoped she could help later, and she had years of experience in waiting.

Natsuki mumbled something incomprehensible in agreement.

Neither said anything for a while, yet somehow each found the others mere presence on the other end of the phone comforting. Finally, Shizuru broke the silence.

``Well, I suppose I should let you get back to whatever you're doing.''

``Yeah. Thanks.''

``I hope tomorrow goes better for you. And remember, I love you.''

``You too,'' said Natsuki. She closed the phone and looked at it for a while. She really did still care for—no, truly love—Shizuru, but she didn't know how to tell her what she'd figured out about Shizumi and her lost baby... or if she even should.

Natsuki went back to her game, glad she didn't have to worry about running out of battery. This was going to be a long night.

.

Several more matches into the game, a knock on Natsuki's door interrupted her playing. She paused the game and walked grumbling to the door.

``What?'' she barked opening the door to see who was there.

Mai stood there, holding a tray with a bowl of steaming hot ramen. ``Here,'' she said, extending the tray toward Natsuki. ``I heard you had a bad day and might be skipping dinner. You can get the bowl and tray back to me when you have time.'' She didn't push Natsuki to talk, or even try to find out about her bad day, neither did she push any apologies for Mikoto's lunch theft onto Natsuki. She merely gave her a friendly, supportive smile and waited for her to take the tray with her dinner.

``Thanks,'' mumbled Natsuki, finally taking the tray from Mai.

``You're welcome. Enjoy.'' Mai gave her another smile and headed off, as if she somehow knew that sticking around would just make Natsuki's day that much worse.

Natsuki closed the door behind her with her foot and took her dinner over to her desk. She sat down there and began to eat with the chopsticks Mai had also included on the tray.

The ramen was tasty, as Mai's always was, but Natsuki didn't take time to savor it slowly. She ate quickly so she could get back to her game, not so much because the game itself was fascinating, but rather because sitting here eating gave her brain too much leeway to think and bring up things to bother her. Today had been filled with lessons on how people couldn't be trusted—she pointedly ignored Mai's kindness here. It really bothered Natsuki how she'd misread Shizumi's consideration as actually caring for her, instead of finding a replacement for her lost child in Natsuki.

Natsuki quickly finished, wiped her mouth and went back to her game. It demanded enough concentration that she could shut out bothersome thoughts and memories.

Many matches and stages later, Natsuki found herself slowing down and starting to lose concentration. Hopefully she was now tired enough her body would take her right to sleep instead of letting her brain keep her up with a steady barrage of thoughts and worries.

Even so, Natsuki had a tough time falling asleep.

* * *

**Author's Note:**  
I used the phrase ``miscarriage of justice'' above for a segue in Natsuki's thoughts. Her actual thought process would follow a slightly different path, as the idiom ``miscarriage of justice'' isn't used in Japanese. Natsuki's train of thought actually followed from the Japanese reading of the name of the Longshan culture, Ryuuzan, as it is pronounced the same as the Japanese word for miscarriage. This thought was only strengthened by her classmates tittering over the cute manga ``Happy Happy Clover.'' They found it very amusing that its author's name, Ryuuzan Sayuri, was also a homonym for the Longshan culture, and thus yet another homonym for miscarriage. I figured it would flow better to use this English segue, as it somewhat fits, rather than interrupt the flow of the story with this full explanation of the Japanese terms.


	2. Child of Doubt

**Child of Doubt: Chapter 2**

**Child of Doubt**

* * *

Natsuki woke the next morning, hugging her pillow tight to her in a death-grip, subconsciously bothered that it was merely a pillow. She hadn't tossed off her covers, but the past night's sleep had been anything but restful. She sat up on her bed, and pinched the bridge of her nose, trying to push away the ache behind her eyes. It wasn't very effective.

She levered herself up out of bed and staggered toward the bathroom for her morning rituals. She still wasn't a morning person, but her time with Shizuru had at least taught her how to make herself get up and going. It was more difficult without Shizuru here as an incentive, though Shizuru could also be even more effective as an incentive to stay in bed together.

With no one around to share breakfast with, Natsuki simply downed a can of coffee for that meal. The caffeine helped Natsuki's brain begin to move as she brushed her teeth, but that only brought to mind yesterday's troubles. School today might not bring the same troubles, but her realization why Shizumi was so nice to her was something that would not go away. It just made sense that she was using Natsuki as a replacement for the child she miscarried years ago. In many ways, this just reinforced Natsuki's old opinion that people were selfish and not to be trusted.

She still had a bit of time left after she finished dressing as she woke up earlier than absolutely necessary. She used this time to wash the bowl and tray Mai brought her with dinner last night and take them down the hall to return them. She didn't have to worry about waking Mai, who would surely be up early cooking for herself and Mikoto.

Mai quickly answered the knock at her door. She was surprised to find Natsuki there, returning the dishes from her dinner last night. And they were even washed. That was not something the old Natsuki would have done, but Mai kept this observation to herself.

``Thanks,'' said Natsuki.

``No problem, Natsuki,'' Mai answered. She wanted to say more, to ask if things were going better for Natsuki today, but she knew she should not. Annoying Natsuki also might not be the worst side-effect inquiring would have. Now was not the time, nor was she the person who should push, so Mai fought her natural inclination, held her peace and simply returned Natsuki's wave as she left.

.

Thankfully, class today was more interesting to Natsuki. The two girls who caused her problems yesterday were also mercifully quiet, causing no disruption that could be blamed on Natsuki.

When lunchtime came, Mai stopped by with the message, ``Your lunch is out under the usual maple tree.''

Natsuki raised an eyebrow at this, but simply answered ``OK.'' Mai wasn't usually this cryptic, but Natsuki wasn't in the mood to work through and figure it out so, she simply headed out to the maple where she frequently ate alone. She did wonder to herself why Mai would leave a lunch just sitting outside under a tree, free to be plundered by any passing bird or beast—or, for that mater, Mikoto.

Outside, Natsuki crested the ridge on the way to the tree and stopped dead in her tracks. Sitting, waiting atop a blanket under the maple, with a lunch basket next to her, sat Shizuru, with a welcoming smile on her face.

ooo OOO ooo

Earlier that morning, Shizuru stood at her kitchen counter, thinking. She was concerned about Natsuki. Not that she didn't always care for her, but talking to Natsuki on the phone last night actually made her worry. That was why she had called Mai and asked her to bring Natsuki dinner. It took more than Shizuru's usual persuasiveness to convince Mai not to try to help further, and to not try to find out what was bothering Natsuki. It was a relief to know that Natsuki had other friends who cared about her and wanted to help. Shizuru herself didn't know exactly what was bothering Natsuki, but it was obvious that something was.

When Mai had told her about Mikoto's eating all of their lunches yesterday, Shizuru decided on this plan. She would make lunch for herself and Natsuki, and share it with her at school. Mai had agreed to send Natsuki out to meet her as a surprise. Hopefully it would be a welcome one. After talking to Mai, Shizuru had headed to the store for inspiration and ingredients. Thankfully, she found both. Of course lunch needed to be something that Natsuki liked, but also it should appear simple to not embarrass Natsuki with an excessive display of effort on Shizuru's part. She sensed that this would be especially important for Natsuki at this time. Shizuru stopped herself from thinking too much. A kitchen surrounded by sharp knives and hot oil was not a safe place to lose focus. Not only might she get hurt, but the food could suffer as well, not to mention how any burn or cut she got would bother Natsuki.

So it was that Shizuru ended up back on the high school grounds, sitting on a blanket beneath a certain tree with a lunch basket by her side. Natsuki's surprise on seeing her was as she imagined, and she hoped welcome for her as well. Shizuru deliberately kept the worry from her face and gave her a simple, heartfelt smile of welcome.

``Hello, Natsuki. Will you share lunch with me?''

``Shizuru,'' said Natsuki when she finally got her brain unfrozen after her surprise. ``What are you doing here?''

``Hopefully having lunch with you, dear Natsuki.''

``So that's what Mai meant.'' Natsuki gave a wry grin but declined to say more. If she was going to double-teamed by Mai and Shizuru, there was no way to win. Anyway, a part of her subconscious didn't even want to, so she simply took off her shoes and sat down on the blanket next to Shizuru in the spot so obviously saved for her.

``Thank you,'' said Shizuru, understanding much of what just went through Natsuki's head and trusting her to understand that she not only appreciated her accepting the invitation to share lunch but also enjoyed her simple company.

Shizuru opened the basket and took out a pair of lunches, a thermos of tea and cups for both of them. Each lunch consisted of karaage and a salad to go with the traditional rice. Natsuki's also included a generous helping of mayonnaise. Shizuru knew she would like that as an accompaniment to her chicken, lettuce and tomatoes. Shizuru's had a much more Japanese style condiment.

They ate in silence for a while, enjoying each others company and support without the need for words. Finally, Shizuru broke the silence. ``So, how is life treating you today?''

``Better,'' said Natsuki, catching her subtle emphasis on today.

When Shizuru gave her a look asking for more, she continued. ``At least today Orihara-sensei didn't yell at me for things I didn't do.''

``That is better. Being falsely accused is never pleasant.''

``Yeah.''

Shizuru nodded, sensing Natsuki's pain—whatever its origin—was yet too fresh to talk of anymore. ``Hopefully the karaage is to your liking.''

``They're good.'' Natsuki gave her a real smile, dipped her last piece in the mayonnaise and held it up. ``Thanks.''

``You're welcome.'' Shizuru was glad that she had guessed right in her lunch selection, and that Natsuki felt comfortable saying so, and that she had been able to move the subject to something less painful for Natsuki. ``I remember Mother teaching me how to make them,'' she elaborated.

``Your mother is a good cook.''

Shizuru caught this subtle difference in phrasing, but her superbly trained face kept any surprise from showing. Ever since their first trip together to Shizuru's home, Natsuki had always referred to ``our mother,'' or ``Shizumi-mama'' or simply ``Mother.'' This change had to come from whatever was bothering Natsuki. Shizuru realized that instead of helping divert Natsuki, she had just stepped on a land mine.

``I'm sorry.'' Shizuru looked straight at Natsuki, borrowing her terse directness in apology. She saw a flicker of acknowledgment on Natsuki's face. ``Did I give you enough mayonnaise?'' she asked, moving back to what she hoped was a safer subject.

``Yeah.'' Natsuki nodded, understanding Shizuru really was trying to help.

With a little cooperation, they were able to steer their conversation into mutually interesting and ``safe'' topics. Shizuru's love and simple presence helped Natsuki more than anything they actually talked about. By the time lunch was over Natsuki felt better, or to be more accurate, she had managed to forget her worries for a bit. Shizuru had really helped.

Since Natsuki had no more classes today, the question of what to next came up. ``Do you think the shop has your bike ready?'' asked Shizuru, knowing how important that was to Natsuki.

``I dunno... Let me call.'' Natsuki took out her phone.

It took several rings before the shop answered, but they had just finished with Natsuki's bike, much to her relief.

``They're done,'' she told Shizuru. She stared up into the tree for a bit. ``Would you like to come with me to pick it up? You can keep me from biting their heads off if they say something stupid.''

Shizuru had to smile at this request of support. ``Of course I'll go with you. And I will be glad to stop you from any such biting.'' She almost giggled. ``After all, if you actually bit their heads off, it surely would attract the wrong sort of attention from the authorities, and should they incarcerate you on that account, I would be hard-put to see you as much as I would like... and I believe Natsuki would also not enjoy the experience.''

Natsuki gave Shizuru a combined scowl and smile for her teasing, finding it both annoying and endearing.

.

As they left the school, Mikoto bounded up. ``Natsuki, I'm sorry for eating your lunch yesterday.'' She looked up at Natsuki, her large eyes brimming with tears and begging forgiveness.

Natsuki looked down at her for a bit, and took a deep breath to calm herself. ``It's all right, Mikoto.'' Seeing Mikoto's expression lighten, she added, ``You were really hungry, weren't you?''

``Yup,'' Mikoto agreed.

``But,'' Natsuki continued, ``Even if you are, next time you really should ask before eating someones lunch.''

Mikoto nodded, agreeing, though she had some difficulty with the concept that all food Mai made was not for her. She looked hopefully at Natsuki. ``You're not mad?''

``No... not anymore,'' said Natsuki. She reached over and ruffled Mikoto's hair like you would a kid, or a cat.

Mikoto smiled back. ``Thanks,'' she said, and ran off.

``I'll bet Mai put her up to that,'' Natsuki commented as soon as Mikoto was out of earshot.

``Yes, though she did seem genuinely apologetic,'' said Shizuru.

``I'm sure she was,'' Natsuki agreed. ``Her sincerity and sorrow are so cute that she's hard to resist.''

``Still, you handled it very well,'' said Shizuru. ``Thank you for keeping your temper.'' She gave Natsuki one of her special smiles.

``You could tell?'' Natsuki asked, then gave her a wry grin. ``But I shouldn't be surprised, you seem to be able to read my mind anyway.''

``I could tell, but not by any mind reading.'' Shizuru grinned back. ``I can't do that, no matter how much I might want to.'' But she thought to herself that such an ability might be nice at times like this so she could find out what was actually bothering Natsuki so she could help her with it. Natsuki would not respond well in her current mood to being asked, so Shizuru could only listen and guess.

Natsuki joined her laughing, and missed the hint of sadness Shizuru masked with her grin. ``Then how _do_ you do it?''

``Merely by observing you and noticing little things. I've had a lot of practice observing the one I love.''

``I think you've got some natural talent there as well,'' Natsuki added.

``Perhaps.''

By this time they reached the school gate, and Natsuki commented. ``If you're going to come with me to get my bike, we should stop and pick up your helmet.''

``That would be good for the ride back,'' Shizuru agreed, ``and I can drop off this lunch basket at the same time.''

.

Two short bus rides with a stop at Shizuru's apartment brought them to the motorcycle repair shop. As promised, Natsuki's bike was ready and they seemed to have done a good job, though the bill was higher than she might have wished. Natsuki paid the shop and they were free to leave.

``I assume you'll want to test out their repairs,'' Shizuru said.

``Yeah, I should.'' Natsuki paused in thought, then continued, ``Yesterday I wanted to go riding to work off my frustrations. That still has some appeal and would be a good test, and...'' She suddenly found the ground fascinating. ``If you'd like to come along...''

``I'd love to,'' said Shizuru, giving her a sincere smile in thanks and acceptance of this apology. Natsuki missed this, as Shizuru's shoes didn't join in her smile.

They each put on their helmets and got on the bike. When Shizuru put her arms around Natsuki, she could feel she was still tense. Though their lunch seemed to have relaxed Natsuki some, she could tell something was still bothering her.

``I love this intercom you put in our helmets,'' Shizuru said through it. ``But I'll try to keep quiet so you can listen to the bike.'' She remembered Natsuki asking for quiet for that reason when the bike had started acting up before she brought it in to the shop. She also thought Natsuki wasn't feeling much like talking right now. So she would happily enjoy Natsuki's quiet closeness.

``Thanks.''

Natsuki started the bike and headed out. She took them on a winding course through the streets and alleys close to the shop. While they were waiting at a long stoplight, she explained her route to Shizuru.

``It's not that I don't trust their repair, but I figure it's best not to tempt fate. If something is going to fail immediately, we're better off if it happens close to the shop.''

Shizuru smiled. ``Thank you. This way, if it does break down, I won't have to help you push your bike for such a long way.'' She snickered at the implication of why she was here.

``That's _not_ why I invited you along,'' replied an indignant Natsuki.

``I know,'' Shizuru answered. The light then turned green, so she kept silent and just held Natsuki tight, letting that convey the depth of her understanding and thanks as they accelerated away from the light.

After satisfying herself that nothing was immediately broken, Natsuki headed out of town. She took a road in the opposite direction from the coastal road to Mihoshi. This one wound up and down through rice paddies, hills, farm villages and an past an occasional store. Shizuru was impressed at Natsuki's choice. This road offered plenty of opportunity to stretch the bike's legs and exercise the new clutch while never straying far from civilization. Should the repair happen to fail, they would never be faced with that long of a walk to get help, and she also figured that they were never out of cellphone coverage.

Soon after they started back, Natsuki pulled over to a trail-head beside the road. It held a couple vending machines and a couple tables next to a map showing the path of the trail which headed up into the wooded hill.

``Let's take a break here,'' Natsuki offered as she got off the bike. ``Things seem good, but we can test a temperature cycle on the engine and transmission.'' She grinned back at Shizuru. ``Plus, I was getting thirsty.''

Shizuru took off her helmet and returned the smile. ``I see,'' she answered. ``Let's see what the vending machines have to offer.''

After studying the machines' selection for a bit, Natsuki picked a can of coffee and Shizuru one of tea, both choosing the hot option to warm them after the cool wind of the ride.

``Are you sure that'll be good enough for you?'' Natsuki teased as they headed over to sit at a tables. ``It's anything but made fresh from choice leaves.''

Shizuru laughed in response. ``I can get by. I don't _always_ need premium gourmet cuisine,'' She looked at her can. ``This one is actually pretty good among canned teas.'' Her grin turned to a tender smile. ``In fact, I believe that Natsuki introduced me to it.''

Natsuki nodded in acknowledgment. She didn't quite remember that, but her mind was already busy replaying the ride, going over the subtle behaviors and sounds of the engine and transmission, analyzing them for anything which might indicate a problem.

Shizuru smiled back, understanding what Natsuki was doing, so she didn't interrupt her cogitation. She looked up at the woods the trail disappeared up into, enjoying their beauty. As the two leisurely sipped their drinks, Shizuru remembered when she first found out about this brand of canned tea from Natsuki—this remembering was certainly more productive than trying to figure out whatever it was that was worrying Natsuki. She doubted Natsuki would tell her any more yet.

When they had both finished, Natsuki looked at Shizuru. ``Ready?'' she asked. Shizuru was, so they dropped their cans in the recycle bin, re-mounted the motorcycle, and headed back up the road to town.

Natsuki enjoyed this ride. It not only offered a good workout of the new clutch, but was also good for her as well. If only she had been able to do this yesterday. Shizuru enjoyed it too, as she had learned to enjoy riding with Natsuki for more reasons than the simple ability to hold her tight.

They finally returned to Shizuru's' place. ``Thanks, I needed that,'' said Natsuki.

``You're welcome. And I did as well, my dear.'' Shizuru was happy to hear the ride had helped and was glad to have been part of it.

Natsuki was more cheerful for the rest of the day following the ride, but her insecurities flared up again that evening back in her dorm room.

ooo OOO ooo

The next few days, Natsuki's mood swung from depressed and hostile to apathetic. She turned down Mai's offers of lunch and instead bought sandwiches at the cafeteria and ate them outside in seclusion. At least the cafeteria managed to label things correctly so the sandwiches had the mayonnaise she expected. Of course Shizuru called her in the evenings, but every time she as much as hinted at the topic, Natsuki would change the subject to something else or find an excuse to hang up. Natsuki also spent her evenings in her dorm room by herself rather than doing anything with Shizuru. These combined to make Shizuru worry far more, as did her feeling that there was nothing she could do to help.

Things didn't really improve during the week, and toward the end Natsuki's phone rang once more while she was trying to distract herself with the evening news. This time, she checked who was calling before answering. It was Shizuru. Natsuki stared at her phone, uncertain what to do. What should she say to Shizuru? Should she apologize for her behavior recently? Probably. But how should she explain it to Shizuru? Could she even bring herself to do so?

She stared at the phone, wondering how to answer, long enough that it stopped ringing. She continued staring at the silent instrument, now wondering if she had just done something more to hurt Shizuru. Her introspection was broken by another chirp from the phone: Shizuru had left a message. She quickly dialed in to listen to it.

``Hi Natsuki.'' Shizuru's voice wavered with an uncertainty that Natsuki almost never heard. ``I guess you're busy with things tonight. I... I just wanted to let you know, I love you.'' Her hesitancy disappeared in those last words, and Natsuki could also hear her full sincerity.

Natsuki closed her phone and dropped to her side atop her bed. She cradled the phone to her chest, curling up into a ball of anguish and doubt. All paths ahead seemed to lead to pain and hurt for both her and Shizuru.

Natsuki lay curled up like this until sleep took her. She didn't even take her usual shower.


	3. Coffee, Tea, and Talk

**Child of Doubt: Chapter 3**

**Coffee, Tea, and Talk**

* * *

Natsuki was leaving school when she happened across Nao, who noticed her different bearing.

``Oi, Natsuki. Who pissed on your doggy biscuits?'' Nao was as abrasive as ever.

``None of your business.'' Natsuki whirled toward Nao in a pose that was halfway toward a fighting stance. She almost reached out to summon the the pistols which had been her element as a HiME, but they would not have come even if she had.

``Hey, I'm not your chew toy. Lighten up. I was just asking.''

Natsuki took a deep breath. ``Sorry, Nao. You wouldn't understa—'' She stopped herself and looked thoughtfully at Nao, long enough to ignite Nao's curiosity.

``No,'' Natsuki continued after this thought. She relaxed her stance slightly. ``You may just be one of the few who might. You got some time?''

Nao decided that she could say penance for showing up late at church some other time, and helping someone would be a good excuse. ``Sure, but it'll cost you.''

``Everything has a cost,'' Natsuki answered.

Try as Nao might, she could not hear the unspoken ``with you'' that she expected. There seemed to be some other, deeper meaning for Natsuki.

``How about stopping by Cafe de Crie near the station?'' Natsuki suggested.

``Sure.'' Nao was positive that something odd was going on now. Not only did Natsuki seem willing to talk—to her even—but she made no fuss about offering to buy Nao a treat while they talked.

As they walked to the shop, Natsuki wondered to herself why she had chosen to talk, and to Nao of all people. Perhaps she really was desperate enough. Perhaps her subconscious sensed enough similarity between them that it hinted Nao stood a chance of helping. She didn't know, so she walked in silence.

Nao, gruff as she could be, also walked in silence. She had done enough ``hunting'' to know that sometimes lying in wait was better than doggedly pursuing ones prey. If Natsuki still hadn't said anything, she could push once she got her treat, but until then she would wait and watch.

.

They arrived at the coffee shop, and Natsuki paid for Nao's eclair and black coffee together with her own latte with nary a word of comment or complaint. They chose to sit at a small table in the back.

After a sip, Nao set her cup back down and looked intently at Natsuki. ``All right. What's up?'' she asked.

``This,'' said Natsuki, taking a deep breath, ``is a bit complicated.''

``That's no surprise.''

``It's... about mothers,'' Natsuki explained, ``and finding them, and losing them.''

Nao nodded. She understood how that topic could be... unsettling, and also why Natsuki might say she could understand. ``Did you find out more about your mom?''

``No, not that.'' Natsuki's face grew more pained. ``Shizuru's.''

Though the two had mostly buried the hatchet after the carnival, for Natsuki the lone wolf to be this open meant something big. Nao tilted her head quizzically. ``And?'' she prompted, then took a bite of her eclair.

Natsuki took a deep breath and a gulp of her latte. Then, looking anywhere but at Nao, she launched into an explanation. ``Since... since Shizuru and I have been dating, she's taken me to meet her folks. Her mom seemed to take a special shine to me, and treated me surprisingly well, almost like family. You understand how that could be a pleasant surprise.'' She looked straight at Nao until she returned a surprised nod of agreement, then took another drink and returned her gaze to the walls and ceiling. ``Well,'' she explained, ``I figured out why.''

Nao was surprised. She knew how tough it was to lose your family, though there were obviously differences between death and lying comatose in a hospital. Having someone else treat you that kindly would be welcome, though not as welcome as her own mom waking up. But it seemed that what Natsuki had figured out was not good.

Natsuki finally continued, ``You see, I found why she's treating me that way. Shizuru's mom had a miscarriage after her. It looks like I'm just a convenient replacement for that child she lost. That's why she was treating me so nice, not for anything _I_ am.'' Natsuki examined the foam on her latte, then took another gulp.

``Have you confirmed this?''

``It's obvious, isn't it?''

``You idiot!'' Nao snapped. While that wasn't an uncommon sentiment for her, she really meant it this time. ``Haven't you done enough investigating to know that you _always_ double check and confirm important deductions, _especially_ those about motivations.'' Maybe Nao spoke a bit more sharply than usual about this since she had learned that not all the marks she hit up during the carnival were quite as despicable as she had assumed. That made her words no less true, though.

Natsuki opened her mouth to snap back at Nao, then stopped herself. What was the point of spending the effort and money to talk to Nao, only to fall to bickering and disregard anything she might say, especially if she might understand. She took a small sip of her latte to calm down while Nao nibbled her eclair. ``OK, Miss Detective,'' Natsuki finally asked, ``then what should I do?''

Nao wiped a spot of cream from the corner of her mouth. If Natsuki was willing to ...buy her advice, she should at least give some, and since she was trying to help, this would also count as a good work to confess to Sister Yukariko. ``Well, you know that only a fool of an investigator allows their feelings to override the facts of the case.'' Nao stopped and gave Natsuki a hard look. ``Then again, you have never been good at thinking straight after hearing bad things about your family.'' Nao's grin turned wry. ``Like after Smith told of your mother selling you.''

Natsuki froze with her latte halfway to her mouth. ``How?'' was all she could get out.

``How do you think I was able to spin Julia's web to catch you and your bike that time?'' Nao's chuckle echoed past evil. ``I managed to overhear him telling that to you and Sakomizu. I thought you might be a bit more vulnerable then; I didn't realize how big an impact it would have on you.'' Her face grew thoughtful. ``Perhaps I should have been able to understand better, based on how much my own mother means to me.'' She shook her head. ``I guess none of us were thinking at our best back then. I certainly underestimated the strength and tenacity of your protector,'' she concluded with a weak laugh.

The two looked at each other in motionless silence for a while, remembering those unfortunate days. They had both learned then how deeply devoted Shizuru was to Natsuki, and just how far she would go for her. Neither would openly use the word obsession, however appropriate it might be for Shizuru then.

``You're right.'' Natsuki finally broke the silence. ``None of us were at our best, then.''

Nao nodded. ``But your expression today really reminded me of the one you wore back then.'' Nao trailed off. Why _was_ she telling Natsuki this? Was she actually trying to help her the way she was going to tell Sister Yukariko? Was she still trying to get back at Natsuki for what she did during the Carnival? Or even get back at Shizuru? Part of her wanted it to be the first—and that was certainly the way the nun she was becoming ought to—but she also knew a part of her wanted that payback. She took another sip of her coffee, savoring the way its bitter flavor matched that of her memories.

Natsuki watched these thoughts play across Nao's face, wondering what they were and guessing a few of them. ``Was I that obvious?'' she asked.

``Only because I'd seen you back then.'' Nao shook her head, trying to clear it of that bad time. After all, at the end of the Carnival she had regained her eye ...and her mother. Her mother even woke up from her coma and they were talking now, a lot. ``If this really is about you finding a mother again, and then losing her... that's tough. Even for a fool like you.'' Nao couldn't resist that last dig. She managed to refrain from telling Natsuki that she deserved this pain in return for what she'd done, less from any desire to be kind to Natsuki than because she now believed that God did not hand out misfortunes for such specific causes.

``You still have a bit of venom left for your bite,'' Natsuki answered.

``And you still raise you hackles and bare your fangs,'' Nao riposted. ``But I'm right, aren't I?''

``Maybe,'' Natsuki tried to see Nao's barbs as just their usual byplay. ``I'll have to think about it.'' She really ought to do so, if only to not waste the price of Nao's coffee and eclair, though she had certainly wasted far more in the past. Maybe the real thing not to waste was the fact she and Nao could actually talk like this.

Nao drained her cup, having finished her eclair a while back. Natsuki gave up chasing the dregs of foam around the bottom of hers. The two got up in unspoken agreement, and dropped off their dishes as they left.

Natsuki turned to Nao once they were out on the sidewalk. ``Thanks. You've given me something to think about.''

``You're welcome,'' said Nao. ``And thanks for the treat.''

Natsuki nodded in acknowledgment. Both had picked up a little politeness and restraint since the Carnival, so neither was quite as abrasive as they used to be. Not all things were bad to lose. They parted exchanging a wave and even a bit of a smile.

ooo OOO ooo

That same afternoon on the opposite side of the station, Shizuru met Yukino outside an old wooden building housing an antique shop and coffee house. They entered and sat down at a small table in the corner. A delicate vase with a bunch of violets on the table next to the napkins and sugar bowl complemented the pattern of the china displayed in cabinet beside them and added to the welcoming feeling from the warm plaster, wainscoting, and comfortably worn wooden table and chairs. A waitress soon took their order: two cups of Darjeeling tea and a piece of gateau chocolat to share.

After the waitress left, Shizuru began, ``Thank you for coming to talk with me, Yukino-han.''

``Of course. I'm happy to, Shizuru-san.'' Over the past year Shizuru had finally convinced Yukino to call her by name instead of her old title of kaichou, which had properly belonged to Yukino all of last year. ``After all the reassurance and support you've given me with the Student Council and everything else, it's the least I could do. And thank you for the tea as well.''

``I appreciate it none the less.'' Shizuru gave her a fractional bow. ``By the way, how is Suzushiro-han doing?''

``She's fine. She's approaching college with her usual vigor and determination. You probably won't be surprised to hear she's studying law. She's aiming to be a prosecutor.''

``That does sound like her. She's never lacked energy, or drive, or a strong sense of justice. I can see her doing well in that field. I truly wish her success.'' Shizuru's expression turned impish. ``I'll let you decide whether to convey those wishes to her. You best know how she will take it.''

``I think I might just tell Haruka-chan. I think she doesn't feel the rivalry with you as intensely now that you've both graduated and are going to different schools.''

They were interrupted by the waitress returning with the tea and cake they had ordered.

After a small bite and a sip each, Shizuru continued, ``But the real reason I asked to talk to you, is about some... personal advice.''

Yukino looked a bit confused. ``Of course I'm happy to help. But how?''

``It's... well... something seems to be bothering Natsuki.'' Shizuru abandoned any words she might have prepared and decided for the simple truth. ``That wrinkle of stress and frustration hasn't left her forehead. It has to spring from more than her motorcycle needing repairs, as she didn't really seem to improve much after getting it back from the shop Saturday. The rest of the week she's avoided the subject or even my calls. I came to realize can't really answer this myself and so you... as a friend...'' Shizuru trailed off, looking helplessly at Yukino, for once at a loss for words.

Yukino gave her an encouraging and understanding smile. ``Sometimes there are advantages to having an easy-to-understand girlfriend.'' She giggled. ``That is, once you learn to decipher her choice of words.'' Haruka was as famous for her straightforwardness as her malapropisms. Yukino grew more serious. ``But, yes, Natsuki does seem to have been more ...sullen of late.'' She thought for a moment. ``I haven't heard anything particular about Natsuki. Even though Sumeragi-san is now Student Council President, I think I would have heard if anything significant had happened. I could ask Harada-san if you want a definitive answer on what gossip is going around.''

``I don't think we need to go that far,'' replied Shizuru. ``That might prove better at providing grist for the rumor mill than information for us.''

``All right. Though Harada-san and Senoh-san have become a lot more discrete this past year. I'm sure they knew when Haruka-chan and I started actually going out... as more than friends, but as best I can tell, they never told a soul until after Harada-san finally came and asked my permission.''

Shizuru's eyebrows rose in surprise. ``They have grown, indeed. But still...''

``I understand. I won't ask.'' Yukino nodded, confirming her words. ``You could always try the definitive method: you can ask Natsuki herself.''

``I... I haven't wanted to push,'' Shizuru answered. ``I didn't want to make things any harder for her.''

Yukino adjusted her glasses. ``There are times you need to just be there, quietly supportive, and then there are times when you need to push.''

``The problem is knowing when to do which,'' Shizuru added.

``True,'' Yukino had to agree. ``But you're also perceptive enough to try pushing and fall back to being supportive if that's not the right approach. It took me a while to get the courage to do that with Haruka. She may not even have noticed, but that seemed to work when my first guess to push was wrong.'' She smiled up at Shizuru. ``And Natsuki is also strong enough to take it.'' Understanding colored her voice. ``I know.'' She paused, then expanded on her observation. ``In many ways she's as strong as Haruka.'' Shizuru understood just how strong an endorsement this was from Yukino, as Haruka had been her ideal, strong protector since childhood.

``But Natsuki was among those I hurt back then, and she was the one I wanted to hurt the least.'' Shizuru's voice was low; she still felt guilty for what she had done during the HiME carnival.

``But she recovered, and I believe she's forgiven you,'' Yukino answered. A wind of memory behind her eyes accompanied her words.

Shizuru nodded. ``She has.'' She knew Natsuki would want her to say that; the real problem was Shizuru forgiving herself. She felt her own memory catch on the still painfully ragged edges as it brushed over the same events she thought Yukino was recalling: many during the Carnival and finally that New Year's shrine visit where Yukino had forgiven Shizuru, and Natsuki had defended her. Just maybe she should listen to her friend on this.

``It... may not feel good at the time,'' Yukino explained. ``I'll admit I was scared stiff—but I... found it ended up for the best.'' Yukino paused and looked up at the leaded glass light fixture hanging over their table. ``It doesn't always have to be as... big an item as when I pushed Haruka-chan to articulate her feelings for me... after I confessed.'' She blushed at the memory. ``Of course, it may not always have _that_ good a result.''

``Of course.'' Shizuru nodded to Yukino, acknowledging their good fortune. ``I'm still very happy for you, both of you. I'm glad you've found the happiness in each other I am assuming.''

``We have,'' said Yukino in a barely audible voice.

Shizuru returned a happy smile.

They talked pleasantly for a while about Haruka and Yukino. Shizuru eventually brought the topic back around. ``So, do you really think that I should screw up my courage and ask Natsuki directly?''

Yukino adjusted her glasses to buy a moment's thought. ``Um... Yes, I think that's how to get the real answer you need. Sometimes not pushing is harder on everyone.''

Shizuru stared into her teacup for a long time. Finally she looked up, and in a voice more quiet and uncertain than Yukino had ever heard her use, said, ``but I'm scared.''

Yukino gave her a gentle, caring smile. ``It really is scary.'' She took a breath and looked into Shizuru's eyes. ``You're strong enough to do it. Remember why you're asking. If it's for Natsuki, you'll...'' Yukino trailed off, memory having overcome her voice.

Shizuru bowed her head. ``I'm sorry.'' Neither she nor Yukino openly acknowledged that Shizuru would really do anything for Natsuki, and in fact she had killed for her. They didn't need to; Shizuru had declared that back when she defeated Yukino.

They both sat motionless and silent for a moment, lost in thought.

Shizuru finally took a sip of her tea and let out a sigh. ``Thank you, Yukino. I will try that. You're right.'' She took another sip. ``I appreciate your help and encouragement, and...'' Shizuru left off enumerating her gratitude, knowing Yukino would understand.

``You're welcome. I'm glad I could be a little helpful.'' A hesitant smile returned to her face. ``And if you'd like to talk more, or if I can do anything else...''

``I will ask.'' Shizuru nodded and pushed the plate with the last bite of chocolate toward Yukino, who bowed and finished it off.


	4. A Kind Voice, A Helping Hand

**Author's Note:**  
My muse and I would like to thank all of you who've taken the time to leave us a review. Not only do your words help fuel the ever-elusive creative motivation, but they also give a glimpse of what my writing looks like through other eyes. Thank you for letting us know what this story makes you think, or feel, or see. We look forward to seeing more reviews, both long and short.

.

**Child of Doubt: Chapter 4**

**A Kind Voice, A Helping Hand**

* * *

Natsuki spent that night pondering her conversation with Nao. She was forced to admit that Nao actually had a point: Natsuki needed to find some answers to the questions their conversation had raised. Though to be precise, it hadn't actually raised the questions, it merely pointed out their answers might not be the ones she was assuming. She knew there was only one place to find these answers, because the ``answer'' of completely cutting herself off from Shizuru and her family was too frightening to contemplate.

Thus it was that Natsuki found herself heading over to Shizuru's the next day after school. She hadn't arranged anything with Shizuru but figured she wouldn't mind a surprise visit. And if Natsuki would admit it to herself, she did miss Shizuru's company, even though that company still made her nervous due to her worries about Shizumi. Now, if only she could find the courage to overcome her fear that her assumptions about Shizumi were correct, and that Shizuru would be ...offended.

She stopped by the neighborhood grocery near Shizuru's to pick up a peace offering, choosing some cakes that would go well with tea. She knew she hadn't been treating Shizuru that well of late. Of course Shizuru would say this wasn't necessary, but Natsuki knew the gift, and the thought behind it, would bring a smile to her face. That was reason enough.

In the checkout line, Natsuki ran into Mrs. Oshima, an older friend of Shizuru's from the neighborhood. Natsuki had also gotten to know her since she had become a regular visitor. Mrs. Oshima was struggling from the weight of her groceries. It looked like her arthritis was giving her extra trouble today.

``Hi, Mrs. Oshima.'' She greeted her and reached for her grocery bags. ``Here, let me help you with that.''

``You don't have to go to that trouble.''

``It's no trouble at all,'' said Natsuki, trying to smile back.

``No, I can see in your face that you are troubled. I can manage.''

Natsuki paused. _Can everyone read my thoughts on my face,_ she thought? _Or is Mrs. Oshima just that perceptive? First it was Nao and now her._ Another thought worried her: _is this really bothering me that much?_ ``You're right. Something is troubling me,'' Natsuki finally answered, ``but it's _not_ you.'' A pensive smile crept onto her face. ``Maybe helping you carry these home will take my mind off of it.''

Mrs. Oshima smiled back. ``Well, in that case, thank you, Miss Natsuki.'' While Natsuki picked up both of their bags and walked out beside her, she continued, ``You're so kind. Would an old lady's chattering help you to take your mind off whatever is bothering you?''

Natsuki grinned back. ``It can't hurt.''

Mrs. Oshima returned her smile. ``Well then, let me tell you the latest news of the neighborhood. You know Mrs. Mimori; she lives next door to that little park.'' She gestured toward one of the side streets. ``Anyway, have you heard that she's expecting?''

Natsuki had not, though she did remember talking to Mimori-san in passing when she and Shizuru were walking somewhere last year.

``She told me last week that I could tell people. We also ended up talking for a while about babies and naming children. This will be Mrs. Mimori's first child, so she's a bit anxious as well as very happy.''

Natsuki nodded, grateful she didn't really need to think or respond while Mrs. Oshima chattered on.

``We talked about names and how it's hard to find the right one. Of course, she and her husband will be making the decision together, but I'm still happy that she wanted to talk to me about it. That discussion reminded me of when I was expecting my first child, and I told her of my experience. My husband and I talked it over a bit. Of course, back then, that wasn't as common as might be now. He suggested that if I had a daughter, we should name her after my sister, Hanako. She was just a couple years younger than I, but ended up dying during the war.'' An echo of sadness yet remaining passed over her face. ``My husband knew both of us, as we were all childhood friends, and he knew how close Hana-chan and I were. He wanted to make me happy, and also honor and remember Hana-chan. But I asked him to pick a different name. I told him that no matter how much we loved Hana-chan, we couldn't replace her this way, and that I wanted our daughter—if it was a daughter I was carrying—to grow up and be her own individual self, not be shackled with someone else's name and hopes.''

She paused and the smile she gave mixed sadness for her lost sister with the joy of her own daughter. Natsuki looked thoughtful but said nothing, keeping whatever those thoughts might be to herself. So Mrs. Oshima continued.

``It turned out that I did have a daughter. She's now grown up and living in Fukuoka with her husband. They have a family and their daughter is a little younger than Mimori-san. Anyway, my husband and I decided to name our daughter Megumi, because every child—every person—is a unique blessing. And she certainly was such a blessing.''

Natsuki continued looking thoughtful. After a bit she asked, ``Do you think all mothers think that way?''

``I can't speak for _all_.'' Mrs. Oshima laughed. ``Who could? But I do know that mothers love each child in their own way. I remember talking to my mother when peace finally came, wondering if we could replace Hana-chan. She told me we could not, that nobody is replaceable. We did help some other orphans then, giving away many of Hana-chan's things that Mother still had. She said it was better for someone else to use and love these things than for us to keep and never use them, as if Hana-chan might someday return. She cared for the orphans, too, but I could see she liked each one for what they were, individually.

``Hana-chan always had a special, unique place in her heart, and so, I later figured out, did I,''

Mrs. Oshima's concluded her story as they arrived at her apartment. She opened the door and directed Natsuki to put the groceries on the table. ``Thank you so much for your help.''

``No. Thank _you,_'' said Natsuki. Then, at Mrs. Oshima's keen glance, asked, ``Please don't tell Shizuru of this little chat we had. I don't want her to worry.''

``So something with your Shizuru is bothering you?''

``Not directly,'' said Natsuki. She decided to let the ``your Shizuru'' slide, as she knew she couldn't change Mrs. Oshima, and if she thought about it, having the bond between them stated like this still gave her a warm feeling. ``Shizuru's not the problem, but it's sorta connected to her.''

``I see,'' said Oshima with an understanding smile. ``I will keep quiet on this. But if you ever need to talk some more, you know where to find me.'' Her smile turned into an impish grin. ``And you know how old women like to talk, ...and to help.''

``Thank you,'' said Natsuki. ``I'll remember.''

.

As she walked from Mrs. Oshima's apartment to Shizuru's, Natsuki pondered Mrs. Oshima's words. What if she was right about mothers and the way they thought and felt? Well, she was sure Mrs. Oshima felt that way herself, but what if she was also right about Shizuru's mother? This was the first time Natsuki had ever doubted her conclusion about why Shizuru's mother was being so nice to her own undeserving self. Everything seemed to fit together so well, but if Mrs. Oshima was right, then maybe, just maybe, Shizumi wasn't trying to put Natsuki into the box replacing her lost child.

Natsuki stopped at the corner and adjusted the bag she holding the cakes she bought for Shizuru, then turned up the street toward Shizuru's. She wondered what she might have done if she didn't have this package for her. Would she have chickened out and avoided Shizuru and the painful subject of her mother?

ooo OOO ooo

``Hi, Shizuru,'' Natsuki said as she opened the door to Shizuru's apartment.

``Natsuki!'' Shizuru was as surprised and pleased to see her as Natsuki expected. She got up from her books at the table to come greet Natsuki properly.

``Here.'' Natsuki held out the supermarket bag to her. ``I haven't exactly been good company of late.''

Shizuru took the bag. ``Thank you. You didn't have to, you know.'' Her expression echoed her belief the gift was unnecessary, but she found it more moving because of that.

Natsuki looked like she might want to argue the point.

Shizuru looked into the bag, then pulled Natsuki into a hug. ``Thank you, Natsuki.'' She pulled back to look her in the eye. ``Not only did you bring some nice cakes for us to share, but you also are giving me a happy surprise visit. Now, please, don't worry about that anymore.''

``Yes, Shizuru,'' Natsuki replied in a quiet, humble voice.

``Don't `Yes Shizuru' me meekly, Natsuki''

``Even when you're right?'' asked Natsuki with a grin in her eye.

Shizuru could only laugh in response.

Shizuru brought out more hot water, a teacup for Natsuki and a plate for the cakes while Natsuki took off her shoes and hung up her coat and scarf.

They both sat down at the table. Natsuki noticed that Shizuru kept a place clear for her even when she was using the table by herself. After each had taken a sip and a bite, Shizuru looked up at Natsuki. ``Something has been bothering you, hasn't it?'' she asked.

``I... uh, yeah.'' Natsuki didn't even bother asking ``You could tell?'' This was Shizuru after all, and if Mrs. Oshima could notice something in her behavior there was no way someone as perceptive, and who knew her as well as Shizuru did, could possibly miss it. Something whispered in the back of her head that she was glad that it hadn't been missed.

``You know me,'' Shizuru continued. ``You know I love you. You know I want to help. ...Please.'' The look Shizuru gave her could have melted stone, much less Natsuki's ordinary—or even now extraordinary—icy shell.

``All right. I'm still working out my issues, but even so, I shouldn't take things out on you. Especially when it's not your fault.''

``I haven't suffered any permanent harm.'' Shizuru grinned. ``And if your `taking it out on me' could help you, I'm happy to be the target.''

``I...'' Natsuki struggled for words. ``We'll have to see if it helped at all, but I can say this, just thinking how I've treated you badly this week has... made me uncomfortable and sad. So...'' She gestured to the cakes she brought. ``I'm sorry.''

``Then,'' Shizuru asked, ``has the time yet come when you can talk about what's been bothering you? I know how much you helped me by listening to my troubles, and I'd like to do the same for you.''

``I would... but...'' Natsuki's courage fled, and she shook her head sadly at her own inadequacy. ``I'm sorry. I don't think I'm quite ready yet.'' She saw a mixture of concern and disappointment fill Shizuru's face. Natsuki dropped her gaze. ``I am sorry. I promise I _will_ tell you. And I don't want to keep things from you. It's... It's my fault for hurting you, and I never want to do that. But... I'm not yet strong enough... even with your help.''

``All right. I can wait.'' Shizuru gave her an encouraging smile. ``As long as you know that I'm always here to help, and that I _want_ to help you.'' She sensed this was not the time to push that Yukino suggested, as such pushing now would only bring annoyed resistance from Natsuki. But that time to push would come. It was an effort for Shizuru to be patient, but one she gladly endeavored for Natsuki.

``All right, Shizuru. Thanks.''

``You're welcome, Natsuki.'' Shizuru's smile now was both caring and sincere. She had decided to consider her waiting for Natsuki to be doing something for her to satisfy her desire to help until Natsuki would let her do more.

``How are your studies going?'' asked Natsuki, trying to bring things back to a more normal conversation, like many others they had had while enjoying each others company.

``Well, things are going reasonably...''

Natsuki reached for another cake and sat back to listen as Shizuru began discussing her day.

Their conversation wandered from school to friends to new movies coming out, though as if by unspoken agreement, family never came up. Later in the evening, their cups and the teapot were empty and only a few cake crumbs remained on the plate. Both had enjoyed the time spent together. Natsuki helped Shizuru wash up the few dishes. As she headed for the door to return to the dorms, Shizuru gathered her in a hug which she returned with interest.

``Thank you for stopping by and spending some time together,'' said Shizuru.

``No, thank you,'' countered Natsuki. Memory clouded her face. ``And, I'm sorry.''

Natsuki felt Shizuru nod in acceptance before she asked, ``Could you come by again tomorrow?'' A quiet hope filled her voice as she gave this hesitant push.

``OK.'' Natsuki let her guilt and desire combine to make the decision for her.

``Thank you.'' Shizuru gave her a gentle squeeze. ``Say somewhere around five?''

``Sure.'' Natsuki wondered at her stating a specific time, but decided not to indulge her curiosity.

With that, and a kiss, Natsuki departed into the night.


	5. Truths, Past and Present

**Child of Doubt: Chapter 5**

**Truths, Past and Present**

* * *

Next evening, Natsuki stopped by Shizuru's as they had arranged. She found Toru, chatting with his daughter. It turned out that an unanticipated business trip brought him to this region. He had only told Shizuru of it the previous day, and she had decided to surprise Natsuki. Naturally, Toru had taken the opportunity this trip provided to visit Shizuru—and truth be told, Natsuki as well.

_So that was the reason she mentioned a specific time,_ Natsuki thought to herself.

Once they completed their initial greetings and small talk, Shizuru turned to Natsuki. ``I just had something come up with my team in the Marketing class that I need to take care of. Would you mind keeping my dad company at dinner while I take care of this? I'd rather not make him eat by himself.'' Her eyes begged Natsuki to help.

``OK,'' said Natsuki. Shizuru's entreaty overcame any reluctant worries she might have. She turned to Toru. ``If it's OK with you?''

``Of course,'' Toru agreed and grinned back at her. ``I'm sure we can find something to talk about.''

Natsuki nodded. They had already talked some about jobs, industries and what path she should take in the university. Now that she was done with the entrance exams, she had more time to think and talk about that.

``Thank you, Natsuki,'' said Shizuru, giving her a smile of love, apology, and gratitude. ``I'm sorry, Dad,'' she told her father, ``but I need to head out now.''

Toru looked at Natsuki. ``Then why don't we head to dinner now too?''

.

The three left the apartment together, Shizuru heading off in one direction while Toru and Natsuki headed off in another. The two ended up at a neighborhood Thai restaurant.

Toru ordered a spicy coconut soup and Natsuki a green curry dish. As they waited for their food to arrive, Toru began, ``I hear you've been accepted to Fuuka University. Congratulations. I felt sure that you would be.''

``Thanks.'' Natsuki ducked her head. ``I think you were more sure about that outcome than I was.''

Toru laughed. ``We always do tend to be hardest on ourselves, don't we.''

Natsuki gave a wry grin in agreement.

``Are you still thinking of biochemistry?''

``Yeah. It still looks interesting, and Fuuka's department has a good reputation. Also, as you pointed out, it does make for a reasonable career path.''

``True. And Fuuka's specialization there will actually help you more than Shizuru.''

They had talked about this a good deal after New Year's. Toru had already looked into the school when Shizuru had declared she would attend Fuuka, so he knew about their academic programs as well as the businesses these had ties to. Several bio-tech companies, including Iwasaka Pharmaceutical, supported research there. Natsuki was just as happy that there were several, as she still had mixed feelings about the company her mother had worked for. She was pleased that the other companies had increased their involvement after Iwasaka had closed its lab in the neighboring town of Mihoshi.

They continued talking of the university until their food arrived. Each tasted their dish with evident pleasure, happy with the choices they had made.

``It looks like you've got something else on your mind,'' Toru observed. ``If it's anything I can help with or talk over, please ask.''

``Did Shizuru set this whole thing up?'' Natsuki asked, her suspicions aroused.

``All she said before you arrived was that you had something on your mind of late. I figured it might well be important, and also private, when she found something else she had to do this evening.''

Natsuki blushed. ``Yes, she's good at that. Did she say anything about the subject?''

``Not at all, and I only knew she was arranging something from years of experience. After all, she _is_ my daughter.'' He smiled at Natsuki. ``And you know that Shizuru would do anything for you; you mean the world to her.''

Natsuki blushed and nodded. ``And her to me.''

After a bit, she gave a small laugh. ``I fell for it again.''

``Yes,'' Toru returned a knowing smile. ``Shizumi also does this to me,'' he agreed, years of experience coloring his voice, ``but you learn to enjoy it,'' he concluded in happy contentment.

A matching smile grew on Natsuki's face as she thought this over. ``Yeah, I guess so. I'm still learning.''

``You're doing well.''

Natsuki bowed in thanks and to hide her blush, warmed by the complement and the comparison. She then joined Toru chuckling at their shared realization that part of their enjoyment came from knowing their partners ``manipulated'' them this way out of pure love.

She looked at him quietly for a few minutes, then began, ``I don't mean to pry, but I heard that, a long while ago, your wife lost a child. And... um... would you mind...'' She shook her head to try to organize her thoughts. ``Somehow I don't feel right asking Shizuru this, and I think she was pretty young then anyway.''

Toru nodded as Natsuki stammered to a stop. ``Of course,'' he agreed. Echoes of sad memories colored his face. ``This isn't the happiest chapter in our family history, but you should know about it, especially if you're curious.''

``Thank you,'' said Natsuki, her voice thin with uncertainty whether this knowledge would end up helping or hurting her.

Toru took a sip of his soup, did some quick mental arithmetic, then began. ``Back when Shizuru was three years old, Shizumi and I were expecting another child. But... unfortunately... complications came up and Shizumi miscarried. The complications were bad enough that she needed a hysterectomy and ended up staying in the hospital for some time.''

Natsuki nodded for him to continue.

``While Shizumi was in the hospital, and afterwards when she was recovering, her mother came to live with us and take care of little Shizuru.'' He smiled in memory. ``I think that was a formative time for Shizuru. She was always a bit different from other kids, preferring vegetables to sweets, but I think this is where her love of tea began. You've met her grandmother.'' He smiled as if this were explanation enough, and indeed Natsuki thought it was. ``I think this was also the origin Shizuru's poise and the `face' she shows the world.''

Natsuki cocked an inquisitive eyebrow. She was always interested in learning more about her girlfriend.

``I think some of her grandmother rubbed off, and she learned to keep her feelings to herself, both to be good when visiting the hospital to see Shizumi and also to keep the rest of us from worrying about her. She was trying so hard to be a good little girl then.'' His eyes grew distant with memory. ``I remember we—Shizumi's mother or I—would take her to the hospital most every day we could. Those visits seemed to help both Shizumi and Shizuru.''

He paused for another spoonful of soup.

``But I think you were asking more about my wife than my daughter,'' Toru stated.

Natsuki had to agree, relieved she didn't have to ask explicitly.

``This is something we... normally don't talk much about,'' Toru began hesitantly, ``but I feel that if anyone has a right to know, you do.'' His face grew a bit sadder. ``Shizumi needed that help then, for these... events had hurt her spirit as well as her body, and Shizuru's presence helped her recover. I'm not sure I was the best father to her right then. I... I think you know how hard it is to see the one you love hurting,'' Toru added, with a sad, knowing smile.

Natsuki nodded in agreement, and the two of them sat silently for a bit, looking into each others eyes and souls. Natsuki then bowed slightly to Toru in thanks, as she realized that he was again openly placing her relationship with Shizuru on an equal footing with his own relationship with Shizumi. That was a gift and an honor.

``I think the miscarriage made Shizumi feel ...less of a woman, as if those losses had taken some essential part of her. I tried to make her understand that wasn't the case, that...'' Another spoonful of soup let him collect his thoughts. ``That she was every bit of the woman I fell in love with, and whom I now love even more.'' He smiled. ``That took a while to get through, but she finally understood, with her heart as well as her mind. She knew how we had both been looking forward to this new child ...our new daughter, and it hurt her to be unable to fulfill that hope. But... we don't always get what we hope for.''

While he paused to eat, Natsuki said, ``Yeah. Life isn't always good at bringing us what we expect, but...'' She thought of the gift of Shizuru's love. ``But sometimes it gives us something wonderful out of the pain.''

``Exactly.'' Toru nodded at her understanding.

``It wouldn't be... that I might be... that she might... have found a replacement...'' Natsuki stammered to a stop, unable to articulate her fear.

``I think that's not the case.'' Toru responded to what he thought was bothering Natsuki. ``As Shizumi got to feeling better and accepting things, she took the love that she would have given another daughter and poured that into Shizuru. I guess I did that too. So you see how Shizuru is greatly loved.''

Natsuki smiled. ``She sure is,'' she said. Her own feelings urged her to silently add, _and not just by her parents._ ``But what about me?''

Natsuki didn't realize she spoke the last words aloud until Toru answered. ``If you're worried about Shizumi loving and accepting you, she most certainly does.'' He said nothing of himself, as that wasn't something to say openly, but rather something understood and shown by actions. ``If you wonder why—not that she needs any reason beyond you being the good and lovable woman you are—it's just what she told you that first time you came to visit: you've made Shizuru happy.'' Toru continued, ignoring Natsuki's beet-red face. ``I don't know how many times Shizumi's told me of the joy you've given Shizuru and how much it means to her... to both of us.''

``Dad,'' was the only word Natsuki could get out.

.

They ate quietly for a while. When the silence began to stretch tight, Natsuki spoke. ``Would I be out of line asking what business brings you through town?''

He smiled. ``Not if you're actually interested.''

Natsuki nodded. ``Yeah.''

``Well,'' Toru began, ``I'm not sure how much attention you've been paying to economic trends...''

Natsuki had been, if only to use the news as a distraction of late.

Toru continued explaining how this caused problems for a couple of the bank's customers: a trading company and the construction company building a new office complex for them. Natsuki's questions turned his explanation to how the project and contracts could be restructured. Less of this went over her head than she expected, and both found it a refreshing accompaniment to the rest of their meal.

.

When they finally finished eating, Toru thanked her, ``I appreciate your being willing to talk over something outside your field that you really have no ties to.''

``No problem.'' She laughed at herself. ``There certainly is a whole lot more to business and finance than I would have thought. Hopefully I wasn't too dense.''

``You were fine. And you helped me get my thoughts on the problem in order. I'm sure my colleague Ikeda-kun will appreciate that. I originally thought to use Shizuru as a sounding board, and you did a fine job playing the same part. You two are well matched.''

Natsuki laughed, happy at the comparison. ``So I guess my head is hard enough to bounce ideas off of, then.''

Toru joined her laughing at that description. A mental change of gears then flashed across his face, and he asked more seriously, ``So did this answer your questions?'' His expression showed he meant their earlier talk of Shizumi as well as the current business topics.

``I think so. Thanks.'' Natsuki ducked her head. She understood his second meaning as well. ``I was spinning some pretty silly ideas in my head. Hopefully this will help me beat them into shape.'' She closed her eyes. ``I fear I've mistreated both Shizuru and Shizumi-mama—and unfairly, too—at least with my thoughts and opinions.''

Toru said nothing, but it was obvious he appreciated her apology and efforts. He stopped to pay for both their meals as they left.

``Thank you for dinner and everything,'' Natsuki said with a bow.

``It was my pleasure. And thank you for your help preparing for my meeting.''

Natsuki wasn't sure if she really had done anything to help and so said nothing.

Once outside, Toru turned to Natsuki. ``I know this is something you'll have to think over for a while, and come to your own conclusions.'' He didn't push, and accepted her feelings as justified, though possibly based on incorrect facts.

``Thanks, Dad. I will.''

ooo OOO ooo

As they walked back from dinner, Natsuki pondered what she'd learned from Toru, and also from Mrs. Oshima. Probably things weren't the way she feared. Regardless, she owed it to Shizuru to talk this over with her, and not just keep this as a painful secret in her own heart. Shizuru had an unquestionable right to know, both as Natsuki's girlfriend, and as Shizumi's daughter. Even more so—Natsuki thought, remembering the past week—since Shizuru's love and caring for her had never wavered, no matter how badly Natsuki had treated her during this ...mental torment. Plus, she had promised Shizuru that she'd tell her, and Shizuru really wanted to help her.

.

Toru and Natsuki met Shizuru back at her apartment. She and her classmates had been able to work out their Marketing assignment relatively quickly. After a short while chatting, Toru apologized that he had to leave. ``Tomorrow will have to start early for me, due to everything that is going on for work. And unfortunately I know that being short on sleep will be ...bad for myself and the bank. I will try to make time to see you both when I'm done with these meetings.'' He gave them a wry grin. ``But you know how business meetings can drag on, so that might torpedo my intentions. I'll give you a call.''

``Thanks.'' The girls joined him in laughing at the vagaries of meetings.

As they all stood at the door, Toru asked Natsuki, ``Would you like a ride back to the dorms? It's no trouble.''

``No thanks, Dad. I'll stay here for a bit. I've got a couple things to talk over with Shizuru.'' Toru gave her a knowing smile, and wished them both good night.

.

After Toru left, the two girls shared the work of making tea. It was unfortunate that Toru's schedule was so full that night and the next day that he hadn't even had time to share any with them. At least he had been able to make time for dinner, though Natsuki felt a bit guilty for monopolizing him. Once the tea was made, the two sat down at the table like they had the previous night.

``So... um,'' Natsuki began, ``I might be able to start talking about... my problem.'' A flash of bitterness crossed her face, then vanished. ``That is, if you're willing to listen... and lend me strength.''

``Always.'' Shizuru put all the love she could into that word.

Strengthened by Shizuru's support, Natsuki launched into her explanation. ``Have you ever had one of those times when logic pulls you in one direction and emotions in a couple more.'' Shizuru nodded that she had, and gave Natsuki a smile of encouragement. ``And I... I'm also scared... that I'm being stupid, or silly, or both... and what I find way more scary than those, is that I'm treating you badly and unfairly.'' She hung her head, so she didn't see the blush this brought to Shizuru's cheeks.

``Natsuki.''

Natsuki took a deep breath. ``But I should trust you more, and not keep things from you. So...'' She reached out a hand which Shizuru took in support.

``I'm here for you, Natsuki. So... please.''

``I know,'' said Natsuki. ``Please don't... be offended by... this. I... know I should have talked to you right off, but... I was...'' She wasn't sure exactly what she was back then, and words for it certainly didn't come.

``I won't be offended,'' said Shizuru. ``And remember, more than anything else, I love you. Nothing you could possibly say can change that.'' She looked straight into Natsuki's eyes, willing away any face she might wear, opening her heart to her girlfriend.

``I...'' Natsuki swallowed and tried again. ``I should just start. I should already be used to feeling foolish, and I _really_ should trust your love.'' She felt in her heart what Shizuru was trying to convey, and so finally had confidence to add in a small voice, ``But I'm scared.''

Shizuru squeezed Natsuki's hand. ``Don't worry. I'm here for you. You're more important to me than _anyone:_ more than friends, more than my father, more than my mother.''

Natsuki gripped her hand tightly at this last one. ``Thanks.''

She shook her head. ``I suppose you've already figured this had something to do with your...'' She took a breath. ``...with Shizumi-mama.''

Shizuru's nod showed this was not a complete surprise to her.

Natsuki continued, ``And I think that's why you... arranged dinner this way.'' She found their hands suddenly very interesting. ``Thanks.''

``You're welcome.'' Shizuru smiled at her scheming being discovered, and appreciated. ``Did you have a good chat with Dad over dinner?''

``Yeah. We did.'' Natsuki paused, remembering. ``He told me the full story of Shizumi-mama and ...your sister.''

``So that was what was bothering you?'' Shizuru's eyes narrowed minutely. Most wouldn't have noticed, but Natsuki did, and it told her Shizuru was first surprised but then quickly integrated this news in with everything else she knew.

Natsuki nodded and took another breath, then drawing strength from Shizuru's hand as well as the breath began. ``I'm worried—scared—that what I have from your family, from your mother, is too good to be true. That it isn't real. That I... That she... she... only sees me as...'' Natsuki closed her eyes and tightened her grip painfully on Shizuru's hand. ``I'm scared that I'm just a second-best substitute for your little sister she miscarried.'' She relaxed her grip and let her head sink down onto the table, resting on their now throbbing hands, the confession having taken her strength as well.

``Natsuki.'' Shizuru used her free hand to gently brush back Natsuki's hair from her cheek and turn her head slightly. ``I'm sorry.'' She leaned in and gave this cheek the tenderest of kisses, tasting the salt of the tear that ran down from the corner of Natsuki's eye. ``I love you. I know this has to hurt you... terribly.''

Natsuki responded with a nod so minute Shizuru could only recognize it from the movement on her hand and lips. She continued to lay there, not even opening her eyes, that nod being her only acknowledgment of Shizuru's words. But that was enough.

Shizuru continued, her voice tender, ``I can see the logic that can lead to this conclusion. _I'm_ sure that Mother genuinely loves you: for who you are, yourself, not as any substitute.'' She caressed Natsuki's cheek. ``I can give you logical reasons to support that belief.'' Shizuru let out a gentle laugh. ``But we know how poorly our hearts listen to logic. Please, remember deep in your heart that I truly love you, and I want to do everything I can for you. And if that means siding with you against Mother, or Dad, then I will.''

Natsuki's eyes flew open at the steel in those last words. With just her tone of voice, Shizuru managed to convey both how big a sacrifice this would be and how much it would hurt, but also her absolute certainty in the decision. She gave Shizuru's hand a gentle squeeze in response, not realizing her cheeks were now bright red. ``Thanks.''

Shizuru rolled thoughts around in her head for a moment while replaying the events leading up to Natsuki's melancholy. This brought to mind the period drama they had watched together and realization struck her. ``So I ended up causing you all this trouble, by telling you of Mother's miscarriage. I'm so sorry.'' Natsuki could feel her contrition through their hands as well as see it in Shizuru's face and voice.

``Shizuru, No!'' Natsuki's head sprang up and she shook it in firm denial. ``It's _my_ stupid insecurity that launched my imagination and tied me up in knots.''

``But I told you...''

``The truth.'' Natsuki stopped her with those words and a single shake of her head. ``You simply told me the truth. I was the idiot who took that and let my insecurities spin it into a tale of being unloved and alone.''

``Natsuki.'' Shizuru felt her breath catch as her girlfriend once again tried to protect her by taking the blame on herself. ``But I _let_ you go ahead and worry and hurt and think that for so long. I should have done more, should have told you the full truth.''

``And if you had tried, do you think I would have let you?'' Natsuki let out a harsh bark of laughter. ``Remember, I was so wound up in my own misery that I probably would have pushed you away.'' She gave Shizuru a wry grin. ``I've had lots of practice at that, even if that is one skill that I really wish I wasn't so good at.''

Shizuru nodded in reluctant agreement. ``But you will let me share your burdens?'' she asked in quiet hope. ``And remember that you'll never be alone again... if you'll let me.''

``Yeah. I'll try my best. I don't see how I deserve your loving help and support, but I'm _very_ glad to have it.'' Natsuki answered. ``So, thanks.''

That was all Shizuru wanted to hear.


	6. Child of Love

**Child of Doubt: Chapter 6**

**Child of Love**

* * *

A couple days later, Shizuru texted Natsuki to call her back. Natsuki did so during her next break between classes.

``Dad just called and he has time for a brief visit on his way back from his business trip,'' Shizuru told explained. ``Shall we all get together?''

``Sure, but I don't want to take away any private time with him away from you.''

``That's no problem.'' Shizuru chuckled. ``In fact Dad and I talked about that and he'd enjoy seeing you too.'' Natsuki could envision her happy expression. ``Both of us would.''

``Then I'll head over right after school.''

``Thank you, Natsuki.''

The sincere joy in Shizuru's voice brought a smile to Natsuki's face and made her glad she could do this for her. She'd enjoy this evening herself, too.

.

Natsuki rode over to Shizuru's the moment her classes were over. This was once more a quick trip, now that her motorcycle was repaired. She doubly appreciated the speed as Toru arrived soon after she did.

Since it was still a bit early for dinner, the three sat down around Shizuru's table. She was glad that she'd purchase the full set of four chairs for it when she moved in, as there were seats for all of them. Toru and Natsuki grinned at each other when she made a pot of tea for them to share appear almost by magic.

``I'm glad you were able to make it here,'' Shizuru said to her dad. A glance from her also included Natsuki in that sentiment.

``The meetings went much better than I feared,'' he explained. ``We were all able to quickly agree on a plan, so we didn't actually need that last half day we scheduled.'' He smiled at the girls. ``I'm glad we did, so I could spend this time with you two.''

``So it seems you had more than just business incentives motivating you to wrap things up?'' Shizuru teased him.

``Hopefully that didn't hurt your negotiating position,'' Natsuki added, feeling a little guilty that it might have. ``Since you're back now, I assume you were able to restructure that building project in a way that's not too painful for Manpan Company or Kaneshita Construction.''

He laughed. ``No, that motivation didn't hurt. It may even have helped that they could all see my determination. Actually, everyone there worked together pretty well to come up with a viable plan, so we finished relatively quickly.'' His laugh turned from amusement to genuine happiness. ``It isn't always the case that everyone cooperates like they did here, so I try to make sure to enjoy it when it happens.''

He went on to explain the plan they developed to Natsuki.

Shizuru looked between Natsuki and her dad, surprised that her girlfriend knew the details of the meeting. It warmed her heart that her dad would spend time sharing this with Natsuki, and she felt even better about the trust and respect it showed Toru had for Natsuki. Both of them noticed the tender smile that this brought to Shizuru's face.

Conversation drifted away from Toru's business, but it still pleasantly filled the remaining time.

``So, where would _you_ like to go for dinner,'' Toru asked Shizuru when dinnertime finally came around. Natsuki noticed his momentary glance her direction and understood why he only asked his daughter. For that matter she perfectly agreed with his reasoning.

``Would you object to going back to that Thai place?'' Shizuru asked them. her grin turned impish. ``It seems to have worked well last week.''

Toru and Natsuki blinked, looked at each other, then Shizuru, and then began to laugh. Shizuru's happy laugh soon joined theirs as they all enjoyed her multiple meanings. Not only had the restaurant provided a good dinner, but there Toru had been able talk out a strategies for his upcoming meeting. Best of all, It had helped Natsuki get over her crisis of confidence, and all three of them were happy for that outcome.

When their laughter died down, Natsuki looked at Toru. ``I don't mind the repetition if you don't, Dad.''

``Not at all. I like it there too.'' He smiled back, once more touched by they way she addressed him. ``And this time we can make it a social, family dinner instead of a working one.''

And so they did.

ooo OOO ooo

The following week, Natsuki made a point to spend more time together with Shizuru, ending up at her place most days after school. She did this in part as an apology, but mostly because it simply made Shizuru happy. She had to admit she enjoyed it herself, too.

Saturday afternoon, they packed a picnic lunch and headed out to explore the wooded trail they found where they stopped for a drink while out testing Natsuki's new clutch.

They ate lunch on one of the tables at the trail-head. Both took advantage of the hot tea offered by the vending machines there, as the late winter sun gave little warmth. The wind had decided to blow elsewhere, so dressing for the ride here kept them sufficiently warm after the tea.

Once lunch was complete, they headed up the trail. The path plunged through a small grove of mixed pines near the road and quickly climbed a staircase up the hill. Natsuki was not one to identify the other trees, though many were bare awaiting the end of winter before putting forth new leaves to greet the spring; or at least she hoped that was the case. Shizuru pointed out several aged trees which she said would be covered with cherry blossoms next month.

The path rounded a large crag and leveled out in a grassy meadow. The meadow was surrounded by a a grove of plums in bloom. Several benches sat under them, offering a place to relax and enjoy their beauty as well as that of the surrounding hills.

``This is lovely,'' said Shizuru. ``Did you know it was here?''

``No. I just suggested exploring as the path looked interesting when we took that break at the trail-head when testing my new clutch.''

``It's a beautiful discovery. Thank you anyway.'' She took Natsuki's hand. ``And I think this will continue to be a place of beauty throughout the year.''

``Yeah.'' Natsuki didn't know what else to say, and savored Shizuru's enjoyment almost more than the scenery itself.

They chose to end their hike here, sitting on one of the benches enjoying nature and simple conversation. When the sun began its descent, they too returned down the hill to where Natsuki's bike waited to take them home.

On the way home, they stopped at a small noodle shop for dinner. ``Doesn't a steaming bowl of udon taste even better on a cool late-winter day like this?'' asked Shizuru.

``Yeah,'' said Natsuki. ``And it makes a wonderful finish to the fun day we had.'' She thought to herself that it was really good to just spend a good time with Shizuru when there was no need for guilt or worries or insecurity.

The sun was setting by the time they got back to Shizuru's, and it took no effort at all to convince Natsuki to spend the night there.

.

Next morning, after sharing Sunday breakfast together, Natsuki looked over at Shizuru. ``Excuse me. I need to make a brief stop by school this morning.'' She smiled in embarrassed apology. ``I won't be long. I'll come right back.''

``Oh?'' Shizuru tilted her head, curious. ``And what pulls you back to school so urgently, Natsuki? Even if it is only for a short while.'' Her grin turned impish. ``Don't tell me you've found someone else.'' She was glad that their relationship was strong enough that they both recognized this for the mere teasing with no basis in truth that it was.

``No, not that.'' Natsuki shook her head and grinned back at Shizuru's teasing. She then turned more serious. ``I'm actually just paying a brief visit to the shrine in the hills behind school. I've been going there every day.''

``I see,'' said Shizuru, realizing this had to have special meaning for Natsuki to go to all this effort. Her expression urged Natsuki to elucidate.

``I felt I needed to after all my stupid misconceptions about Mother and your sister.'' She paused and let her eyes rest on Shizuru. ``I've wronged Mother and the rest of your family with my silly notions.''

Shizuru looked back and smiled, hearing what Natsuki did not say: that she felt her suspicions had sullied—at least in spirit—Shizumi and her family, not to mention Natsuki's relationship with them; that it would take some special act of repentance on her part to wash away this stain she had left; and that each morning she went to pray at the shrine washed a bit more of it clean. Shizuru thought this gave her a glimpse into Natsuki's hidden spiritual side. In fact, Natsuki's expression seemed to reveal some of the same things she showed when they went to the overhang where her mom had perished.

Shizuru smiled to Natsuki and nodded. ``You know both Mother and I will say you don't have to do this.''

``I know. But I still need to. I don't just need to do it for... them'' She dropped her voice, glad that Shizuru had understood the reasons she could not put into words. ``It's also for me.''

``Of course.'' Shizuru returned a smile of acceptance, understanding, and love. ``Could I come along?''

Natsuki paused. _She_ needed to do this herself, but if Shizuru wanted to be with her—to continue to stand supportingly at her side—that made her feel even better.

``Sure. Thanks.'' She gestured toward the shelf by the door with their helmets. ``Will you ride with me?''

``Gladly.''

.

Natsuki drove them past the back entrance of the school grounds and into the wooded hills behind it. She followed a couple turns the narrow road took up the hill before pulling her bike into the trees, following years of practice hiding it around school.

``We can get off and leave the bike here,'' she told Shizuru. ``Nobody will bother—or even notice—it.''

They left their helmets with the bike and climbed a short stairway to the shrine, then paused to wash hands and mouth with the clear water flowing into the basin beside the entrance before entering the shrine proper.

They both tossed an offering into the box, bowed and clapped. Shizuru's participation earned her a brief, surprised glance from Natsuki, but neither said a word.

Shizuru figured she knew what Natsuki's prayer was, though the converse was not true. Shizuru silently said her thanks for Natsuki's getting over her worries as well as for the many friends... and family who helped her through this time. She also prayed that Natsuki would continue to feel loved, and treasured, in the future. This done, they bowed once more to the shrine before turning to leave.

.

The two descended the stairs in silent companionship, not needing to even glance at each other to keep in perfect step.

Natsuki's mind raced on ahead. These shrine visits seemed to be helping overcome her feelings of having wronged Shizuru's family, and this one with Shizuru seemed to have been even more effective than the others. Then again, Shizuru's mere presence made practically everything better. This was why it was better, she realized as things clicked into place in her head. She could trust Shizuru to _always_ be there to support her, no matter what Natsuki might do or what silly ideas she might get. That was the answer to her insecurity: even when nothing seemed certain and the whole world seemed against her, she could still count on Shizuru's love and support. She resolved to do so. Of course she would need help with this resolution, but that help was something Shizuru would gladly provide. She would trust Shizuru, even when she could not trust herself.

A peaceful smile grew on Natsuki's face and she reached out and took Shizuru's hand. ``Thank you for understanding, and coming here with me... and supporting me.''

``I... found it was good for me as well,'' Shizuru replied, looking into her eyes. The more she thought about it, the more ways she found this was true. As this ritual helped Natsuki wash away the stains of her misconceptions about Shizumi, so too it had helped Shizuru let go of the guilt that she might not have done enough to help Natsuki after planting the seeds of her doubt. Her support for Natsuki had never wavered, and never would.

Shizuru gave Natsuki's hand a gentle squeeze and said, ``Truly, Natsuki, thank you.'' And the smile she gave Natsuki out-shone the morning sun.

Natsuki's smile in return was equally bright, and filled with just as much love and gratitude.

* * *

**Author's Note:**  
And so we come to the end of **Child of Doubt.** Natsuki and Shizuru have made it through another bump in their lives with the help of friends, family and most of all, each other. We see the two of them continuing to grow, both individually and in their life together. I hope you have enjoyed this short journey with them, as they confronted this crisis of head and heart.

My muse and I really appreciate your reviews, and we both look forward to seeing more of them now that the story is finished and you can comment on the entire story. We'd like to hear your reactions, and details are wonderful too. I have an idea how to expand the following sentence from **New Year, New Life,** ``Actually, their apartment was a better description, for over the past month they had decided Natsuki would simply move in here with Shizuru for their college career.'' Hopefully your reviews will convince my muse to grant inspiration to turn that idea into actual words.


End file.
